You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
