it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
being pregnant is like rehab
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
