I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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