No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
