Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
