our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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