Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
