New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
