Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
