I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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