8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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