can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
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i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
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In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll