Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.