I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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