it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it