Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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