Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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