We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
