I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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