I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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