Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
