Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
