my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
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I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
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Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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