if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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