I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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