I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
