She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
