I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Less talking, more tequila
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
