fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
