Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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