last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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