three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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