I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
