my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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