Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
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Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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