At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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