why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
