Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
