please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
