hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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