Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
