I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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