96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
