I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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