i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
