so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
