When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
