The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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