I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
