sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
