Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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