That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
