I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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