end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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