He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
