Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
